Movies

"And when you go don't return to me my love."
My Chemical Romance

~

The door isn't open. Maybe it never really was. But I can pretend. I can always pretend.

"Give me a shot to remember and you can take all the pain away from me."

The shadow of the unknown beckons. I can feel it stretching across the blankness of my mask. The long lost scent of childhood is either dead or undercover. And, I cannot yet unmask this state of shade. The same old heaviness keeps increasing in invisible weight. Let go.

Let go and know that, in non-random fact, the truth shines through your cracks and whispers to your eyes: 'Tomorrow, I will be revealed.' Meanwhile, acrylic delusions frantically blink, staring at whatever colors they'd been spitting on my face. Don't let go.

Bits and pieces of me may well be scattered across the enneagram lines. But, you... do you really think you're swimming in my stream of consciousness? Look around. You're inside your own head. For the lines that, in your eyes, blur out the rest, they're on the other side of the coin you always flip. And they were facing the horizon right before you shoved them in, right before you sold them out to flush the red sea of lies, the one you'd pushed out of your lungs just to decorate that beautiful boring room.

"You're just a sad song, with nothing to say, about a lifelong wait for a hospital stay."

This soundtrack is bruised and broken. It might as well be dead. But our pictures are in motion and they bear no frames - they extend; they extend to infinity. Now the question is right there. It's always been there. 'Are you watching closely?' Are you listening? Are your lines in the script tearing up the fabric of your heartstrings? Do you need to talk to the director?

"Drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, Romeo."

Get out. I can't always pretend.

~

"We all carry on, when our brothers in arms have gone.
So raise your glass high for tomorrow we die,
And return from the ashes you call."
My Chemical Romance

MCR

"And after all this time that you still owe, you're still a good-for-nothing-I-don't-know."
My Chemical Romance

~

I learned that Art is an explosion.

"These are the nights and the lights that we've faded. These are the words but the words aren't coming out."

My head is burning. And I'm not sure what this headache is trying to tell me. I know that something's wrong. I know that I'm way off the right frequency. But I know what I'm doing. Or at least I know that I'm pretending to know what I'm doing.

His neural pathways were beset with rain. And the drainage system he referred to as 'diagonal creativity' was severely broken. It's interesting how all broken things smell the same. Perhaps fictional tears can claw their way through those clogged holes that were meant to let the light inside. But no, it's still pretty dark in here.

"And when we go don't blame us, we'll let the fire just bathe us."

I feel like I'm that child who never finds a good place to hide, maybe because he's so desperate to be found. The only problem is that I can't recognize any of these kids with whom I'm playing, probably because we all have the same face. I was never the explorer, you know. Back then I used to stick to a certain routine so I don't run into the hell I was trying to forget. And now, I usually go for disappearing in the illusory smoke screen of metaphors made of tree leaves and moonlit ocean waves. But my mind won't have it. I wonder why. I'm supposed to be really good at hiding. It's rather funny though, how the two main games I played as a kid were centered around hiding, running away and in ultimately getting caught or found.

"Give me a shot to remember and you can take all the pain away from me."

There are no rays through this door. My body is waking up the morning and staying out late. But somehow it feels as though I'm still there. I'm still in my beautifully messy dark room, buried in the comfort of my bed, my eyes glued to that same old laptop screen reflecting my unholy spirit - dusty, dim and impenetrable.

It was beautiful. It was perfect. But, now, the idea of it is just too overwhelming to fathom. So allow me to hide behind the scenes. Allow me to fade in the vagueness of that mist beneath past and distant pain. Allow me to revert to that forgotten inner child who broke all his crayons because he thought colors were life's biggest lie.

"Cause I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead."

This symphony is a pendulum. And it's going down swinging, for real. And all the martyrs of the world, they presuppose that the cosmos is singing their song - and some of them, I guess, got it partially right. As for all those warriors who desperately seek immortality - though they don't even have the power to catch a single moment - they don't really get it yet. Maybe they never will. Then come the players, stuck in a silent theater whose audience is a bunch of shapeshifting mirrors, whose closing-curtain-soundtrack is that noise dying people make when they meet face-to-face with terminal regret. And finally, there are the lovers, the humble artists who can breathe in faith and breathe out kindness and who, in between, can be the instruments of the grand design - the divine symphony. But yeah, all these circles intersect. So good luck in finding yourself. And good luck with all those demons. If you need anything, I'll be in my room.

"Never fade in the dark. Just remember you will always burn as bright. The light behind your eyes."

Dear myocardial explosions, kindly turn down the volume.

~

"Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
I won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it's who we are."

My Chemical Romance

Light

"If I could be with you tonight,
I would sing you to sleep.
Never let them take the light behind your eyes."
My Chemical Romance

~

I try my best.

What if your best isn't good enough?

But what if it is?

The walls slowly close in, aiming to crush my explosive mind. And I keep staring at the foreign paintings that decorate them, the faces of the people I love. I keep telling the walls that I can't breathe. I send them my pathetic requests with broken eyes because the words won't come out. But it's all in vain. For once you turn your back on the walls of your heart, the walls of reality turn their backs on you. Thus, still, hopeless, I remain a fan of the intensely dramatic, as loyal as ever to the wonderful realm of fiction.

Masks divide you. Dishonesty tears you apart. And the most beautiful things you feel remain inside your head. "Once a liar always a liar." "Once a quitter always a quitter." The voices lie because you subconsciously command them to destroy you. To overcome this, you must remember that one can never cheat their way into and out of destiny. Fate's hand floats around your heartbeats to see which are worthy and which are failed. Will remains free though. Someone I once knew taught me that.

But the world is ugly and sometimes the people we know and love, they become forgotten memories.

But sometimes, we meet someone that restores our faith in humanity, in love, in art, in the future.

And when the past comes back to haunt what's left of you, you find yourself just staring, obliviously flooded with thoughts of surrender, with ending credits flashing. "No, hold on," she says. You see a young soul masquerading as a veteran warrior, telling you that the love in her heart can fight off your demons. She hugs you, pushes you and starts running, leaving you with a gentle warning, "if you don't get up and run with me, you'll never know what happens in the future." And as she runs away from your gaze, you see a whisper flowing through her smile, "our future."

Life is full of surprises.

If you haven't met yours yet, I really hope you do.

Now, look around, after you close your eyes. Those people you love so dearly, are they not worth the pain?

Do not stand your ground as you face the storm. Run instead. Run toward it with weapons of heart and soul. Fix your eyes on the mountain you wish to climb and charge. Run with faith and conviction and you will find that they are the perennial wings of cosmic resonance, smoothly extended from your skin, mirrored in the light behind your eyes.

Run and know, that most storms are made-up ghosts. And though some are future dreams disguised as endless nightmares, you still need to keep your eyes closed wide open, because those details are divine.

We live and die in love. And a fall into shreds today is a chance for us to pick up the right pieces, the ones that can make up a whole that won't break tomorrow.

The music plays on within you, no matter how many doors you close.

Live on, dear friend.

~

"As we fade in the dark,
Just remember you will always burn as bright."
My Chemical Romance